wordgasm – The Woman I Pretend To Be

The Curse Of Empathy

Posted on January 11, 2023 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

Slightly grazing my hair- oh it was sunny
That day it felt a tidbit funny
Something didn’t come across as right
What was it- I couldn’t put a finger on quite.
May be those were my shoes that felt itchy
To solve the riddle, an unsettling puzzle-
I moved ahead and took a walk
I was meeting with answers but wasn’t sure of veracity
In a quest to seek affirmation
I made a decision, may be with a tinge of bizarre-
I walked further to try on shoes that belonged to others.

The first shoe was warm from misery of a lost lover
The second seeped agony from unexplainable deeds
The third harboured chaos from qualms of kin,
I could feel the sadness for one and for all
But- with an ick ’cause of my own thoughts
Thoughts- afflicted by experiences of past.
What do I do?

I stepped back in my own shoes
Alas! Now were they drenched with ideas
Ideas that might have not been mine
Reeking of stories I never lived, only attempted to empathize.
Alas! Now it’s all blurry
And my head running haywire with no decision to make-
Without considering a bit too much.
What could I do?
I was living the curse of empathy.

People, Poem

Grandpa’s Hugs Are Now A Bit More Warm

Posted on December 23, 2022 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

He is tall but used to be taller
Weighed down by responsibilities, shrunken with age
His ego has now ebbed away as he brims with pride-
Ah! Those grand children and their glories he cannot stop talking about or may be try and hide.

Done with his fair share of responsibilities
Still anxious to make his children and grandchildren succeed
He wishes to see their next conquest and subtly even great grand children.
Passing on the tradition from one generation to another-
He aims to keep the lineage pure
But embraces the changing times with a clear scoff.
Stubborn just as am I, we know he is kind
He is made of experience and days that were a little too harsh.

In turn of events life played the inevitable turncoat-
Left him alone with people he loved
Each day he silently sheds a tear-
As his wife who rested her head on his chest now rests in peace.
He is strong but used to be stronger
Calmness harboured by him-
I hope it never reaches stillness
Now he scolds a little less and hugs a little longer
My Grandpa’s hugs are now warmer.

Poem

I Now Sleep Well

Posted on July 7, 2022 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

After ages of tossing and turning on wrong side of an empty bed
Asking myself questions about the world, the crises and vividly my own existence
I lay awake- no more; battling the torments of purposelessness
I lay naked with a blanket of thoughts keeping me warm to spend a peaceful night
No man beside- just tomorrow’s ordeals to make me feel alive.

As the sun rise- I shall embrace new beginnings with dawn
I shall set foot for my journey-
I know of directions, destination yet being anticipated.
After a day’s hardwork- I’ll smile for trying
The food will taste sweeter with flavors of progress
I shall then sleep well- visited by dreams brimming with meaning
Might be nightmares; just a little kind-
For my body shall lay too dog-tired to pay any heed.

Poem

Why Do We Love?

Posted on May 9, 2022 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

Exhausted by one, traumatized by another
People are fickle yet they love each other
Are we desperate, needy and alone?
Wait, let’s not set that undertone.

We act fierce; irony- in the interest of life so farce
But isn’t it healing when a friend sees your scars?
People are annoying- with those quarrels and bickering
But isn’t it cozy when a parent listens to your qualms?

People bring drama- chaos muddled in heaps
But why does it hurt when a beloved weeps?
We wish we had never known someone
But why do we tear up to see them leave for a distant land?

Happy curious excited astonished envious, wrath fear sadness confusion jealousy
Emotions too twisted to decipher
Not as layered as a person
Yet here we attempt to unravel each other.

In times of uncertainty
My thoughts being naive- they brim with curiosity
Maybe, maybe I feel and might I even understand
Still- can someone answer my question in words that are clear
Here again I ask- ‘ why is it that we love’?

People, Poem

A Family Reunion

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

Alas! I can’t paint a soiree
With Victorian costumes and gestures that speak of grandiose
The year being twenty-twenty-one,
It’s just four people; and three screens.
Living in time zones with different days and nights
Measuring distance in kilometers- and also miles
Each day they try to stay together
Haha- to no surprise failing miserably.
But tonight it is special
The siblings laugh at their usual banters-
For they have learnt to put away the dullness quite adroitly,
The mother asks them to come back home just like each day-
Not for too long; may be just a visit till new memories are created for her to hold on
But tonight it’s the father who imparts new and the unknown
He sheds a tear of joy
And reveals that he stands tall with pride, acknowledging the two kids who try to now be adults
May be, it is the empty glass of whiskey beside the vacant dinner table
The two children: unaware, awkward and shy-
Gleam for a moment with joy- untill they return to their usual banters and frivolous complaints
The year being twenty-twenty-one
It’s just four people; and three screens-
And a million emotions that timidly scream.

Poem

As The Age Goes By

Posted on March 31, 2021 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

Victim of gadgets and networks
Funny, how we think of flowers, trees and birds chirping-
A foliage from mountains and waves from unknown seas drift right across the bittersweet memory lane
Days pass by-
A few with new learnings
A few with breath afresh
A few with just breaths.

Meaning or none; Feelings or some
Time- it doesn’t cease
From bud- to flower- to withered remnants all lost in blink of an eye
We try to heal from “wounds of actions”
Only to find ourselves etched with “scars of experience”
Creations once brimming with youth
Narrations now by voices forever tired
A medley of gallantry: no, I am not certain
A hum of survival: a lullaby before I say the final goodbye.

Poem

Things NOT To Do Out Of Boredom

Posted on July 23, 2020 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

Been stuck in a room; now for a while?
The windows are at a stand still,
The curtains flutter towards the familiar edges,
The walls- they wouldn’t move
The fan hums in an absurd harmony while the roof reeks of monotony-
Truth be told, the time has come
Try and take heed beyond that stubborn door.

Been trapped in a city full of lights; now feels like a lifetime?
The road is drenched with noise
The flicker of the red light glitters;
Yet it doesn’t appease the one in your eyes
The sky is dawned with dusk
The pace now depraves the lust for the details-
Truth be heard, the time has come
Try and find peace in a lover’s arms.

Been loved like never before, now for an eternity?
The walk- the talk- the fears- the tears-
Lived through them all
The fun and games have been left behind
Curiosity now pays the debt of adapting;
The stories aren’t wicked anymore, Just crooked with yet another encore
Truth be felt, the time has come
Try and stop being a slave to your inner boredom.

-Ruchi Bhardwaj

Artwork, Poem

Memories I Wish Weren’t Mine

Posted on April 19, 2020 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

Have you ever been in memories?
No, not in love- that in itself is a bitter ball game
But in memories of someone not for a day or two-
Somehow, managing to take heed for an eternity
Not the same forever
A picture- new and vivid being painted each time
One morning, a flicker of the first kiss
Another night, all the reasons why you walked away
An evening filled with contemplation of who’s, what’s and why’s
A noon in remembrance of all promises made with fingers crossed and heart set free
A dusk of those absurd fairy lights with giggles and laughter
A dawn of tears when we couldn’t stand each other.
Do you ever stop by in someone’s dream?
In nightmares hurting them;
A little more dramatic than reality,
In day dreams- as stories that were never lived.
Do you know? Do you realise?
Somehow I wish they weren’t just mine.

Artwork- Akash Patwal; Poem- Ruchi Bhardwaj.

Doodles, Experience, Poem

The House In The Village

Posted on February 5, 2020February 5, 2020 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

After years of dodging; every occasion with a more bitter excuse
Finally came a day when somehow the visit just couldn’t be refused
From far away, that house in village stood still and tall
Now haunted with lifelessness
On inside did it suddenly grow small?
Or was it the memory of it that brimmed with grandeur?
The windows creak
The walls reek
Spiders smile weaving a trap of nostalgia
The garden once full of roses and lemons is now musty;
Haunted by emptiness somehow braved through my grandmother’s beliefs-
Evident by the statue of Shiva I remembered since I could remember;
Survived lessons from my cousins teaching me to play games-
While I stood there being timid, young and shy.

Monkeys in the yard
My aunt’s smirky remarks
Talking to uncles altogether a hurdle-
I knew I never would fit in there,
Now affirmed.
Yet the lullaby from past lingered longer
Singing to me of a wish why did I let go so easy-
So early at an age so tender!
Alas! Now it is too late to return
Only reminscence, what hath been done cannot be undone.

Article, Experience, Graphic art

A Letter To The “Almost” Discarded Clothes In My Wardrobe

Posted on January 23, 2020January 23, 2020 by Ruchi Bhardwaj

Dear ALMOST discarded clothes,
They say vanity is shallow yet turn to it for rescue when in vain. We are made to believe that work, career and money are supposed to be the primary priorities and attire is completely secondary or even a little beneath that. But aren’t these secondary objectives the reason to prioritize the more meaningful ones? We experience that intellect stands with us throughout while beauty fades. But isn’t it because we let go a little too easy? Why can’t the two be in a symbiotic relationship? This is the reason for you adding colours in my wardrobe and my life.
The humble garments with a varying touch of fabrics had brought an utopia of its own kind to me. You have allowed me to be flattered of who I am and made me believe that I can be whomever I wish to be. You have made me feel pretty when a guy would comfort me for being ugly and showed me the mirror when I was too overwhelmed with my bold sartorial experiments. Those floral bras have supported me when nothing else was in place! My mother’s saree draping me with her nurturing tenderness had inspired me to care a bit more. Those socks, scarves, mufflers borrowed from friends never really meant to be returned open the doors enabling me to relive the several thousand memories and remind me of how I have a part of them in my own persona. The brother’s T-shirts meant to be worn out in the gym have made me feel loved and empowered simultaneously. Dad’s shoes have always been too big to fit in. The sweater from ex-boyfriend would never go well with any of the dresses yet it lies somewhere in a corner, at times tearing me apart. You may never get the credit for standing through thick and thin with me but somewhere unknowingly and without any need for acknowledgement you were giving me reasons to take care of myself.

My mother had been asking me to get rid of you since ages but looks like I can’t let you go. You have been a part of my evolving personality since a child who didn’t care of what to wear to a snobbish teenager, a girl in her twenties trying every bit to be a lady, a woman in her thirties who would realize she now is a rebel, another one in her forties who would question was everything worth it, one in her fifties drenched in nostalgia of youth and in her sixties a little content with herself because- she would have seen it all. How would bidding goodbye not be a matter of heartbreak? The time changes and so does the trend. Even if I choose to be a fashion laggard in the name of “experimental fashion”, you don’t fit me anymore. Hence, there is no way I can style you any further. Don’t worry, I won’t let you suffer with my younger cousins even when I am bombarded with the idea of responsible sustainable fashion as a trick reminder by my mother. I apologize for the times when I demeaned you and chased after the ones in stores and online even when you were in the best of condition. Sorry for differentiating amongst you based on brands. Sorry for thinking that you were not enough at times. My dad has blamed you for wastage of money but secretly you were giving me lessons on how to save for a reason. No matter how old we grow, howsoever we ignore each other I’ll always love you and know that you’ll always be there for me even if it has to be a different silhouette or a new form altogether.
Love,
The girl you own.